And NOW I've done it...

*Sigh*

Yes. Now I've done it. I went and signed up for NaNoWriMo last night. National Novel Writing Month. The challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. One month. November. And I'm a week late in signing up. So now instead of 30 days, I only have 22 days left to produce the word count.

...wish me luck.

Voting's done

It's done. It's over. I think nearly everyone and every*thing* I voted for lost. Just goes to show how out of sync I am with the great majority. So what else is new?

So who's going to vote tomorrow?

It's election day tommorrow. So far today, I have received phone calls from Tommy Thompson, Bill Clinton, George Bush... I am getting a little sick of hearing about politics. It's not that I don't care. I do. I care a lot. But I have had it up to here with the kind of political shenanigans and posturing of everyone -- regardless of party! At this point, I am fed up with BOTH parties, and am probably going to vote all over the party affiliation map.

I know where I stand, more or less, on issues, and I intend to do the American thing and vote my conscience. A conscience that is helped -- but not controlled! -- by my religious and spiritual life. Sometimes the things that I may be hesitant to voice with my voice, I can give voice to with my vote.

That's what *I* am going to do. I hope you do too. We can have our say, whether we agree politically or not. Doesn't matter. What matters is that we can voice our politics through our vote. And have it count.

That's the American way.

Living ... or just existing?

I've been thinking. Yes, every so often I have been known to do that. Thinking about things that we have done over the past how many years. And how many we have not done. I've come to the conclusion that my husband is simply satisfied with just existing. Just sort of ... being there, but not fully engaged in being there. It's like he's only living life at half-phase. And I have followed him there.

And as I am thinking about this, finally putting this ... lost in limbo type of feeling that permeates my life, I am thinking that this not the way I wanted to live my life. But I have this depressing, nagging feeling that this is the only way I have been able to live my life because I haven't ever thought -- or been encouraged to think -- that my life was worth anything anyway. And my husband seemed to have a sight on, and a connection to some higher plane of existence ... of worth ... and if I attached myself to him, then maybe my own life would have some kind of meaning. Because you see, I was just living on the outside looking in ANYWAY, so maybe this was better. So what did it matter that this connectedness to "someplace else" really had nothing to do with me? I was just going along for the ride. (There's a reason you refer to your spouse sometimes as your "better half" you know?)

The trouble is, when I tried to think of my life as some sort of "journey," I seemed to become blind. And it suddenly dawned on me that I wasn't on any kind of journey at all -- I was just drifting. And I'm still drifting ... only I'm attached to a fellow human being who is also just drifting -- but he doesn't seem to CARE that he's just drifting.

I know -- I need to talk to him about this. But that seems to be my downfall. I find I cannot talk to him (or probably anyone) about this kind of thing. Part of me feels that my concerns are not worth worrying about ... or at least for anyone else to worry about. Why should anyone else be worried about things that I am concerned about?

I don't argue well because of this. Whenever I get upset about anything, people have just figured I was having a temper tantrum, and there was no logical basis to justify my being upset. I was *wrong* for being upset, because the WHY of my being upset was wrong -- my feelings were wrong ... my opinions were wrong ... I was wrong. Always. So whatever I felt, or thought, didn't matter. Because I was wrong, of course. No one ever thought I was right.

That hurts. Because no one ever thinks I am right or doing the right thing, no one ever places any kind of value on what I think. And my thoughts are me, you know? And if my thoughts are of no value, then... well, follow the line of logic -- I have no value.

I have no intrisic value -- no value just for being me, like everyone else seems to have. No one values me just for ... me. They never did.

And that hurts.

*sigh*

I guess I just need to know that someone cares about me enough to be concerned about my concerns. And I am not convinced that anyone does care that much. I'm not worth it. No one has ever taken my concerns or thoughts seriously, or encouraged me to think that my concerns or thoughts were worth their attention. So I grew up thinking that no one cares. No one would ever care. No one should care, because what I think, my opinion, doesn't matter at all ... my thoughts are not worth anyone's notice, or anyone's time and effort.

I need to know that I matter. To someone. And not just to know. What I really need is to BELIEVE that I matter to someone.

It's hard to believe you matter though, when all the experiences in your life seem to have taught you just the opposite.

You can build a shell, and pretend that all is fine and dandy ... but on the inside you are still hollow. There's nothing there.

Hubby and I celebrated our anniversary yesterday -- and got to spend a whopping 2 hours of time together. Why? He slept most of the day. Working 3rd shift is the pits. I sometimes feel like I'm sharing the house with a stranger anymore.

circles

Up.
High in clouds
Heavy with water,
Heavy with life.

Rain down
Ran down,
Run down the hillside.
Rush to some better place.
Run to the future,
Ran to the past.

Evaporate.
Dissipate.
Reformulate.
Reassemble.
Reappear.
Refall.

Look up and see--
Open your eyes,
Open your mouth
Let the rain fall...

Down.

Welcome!

Welcome to fallsong rising.

I am fallsong, and this is my blog. I thought for a long time before beginning a blog. It seems like everyone and their fourth cousin twice-removed has one. So why contribute to the growing cyber bloat?

Good question. And I have to admit it all has to do with the title of this blog, "fallsong rising".

I thought for a long time before striking on a phrase that had meaning to me, something that express the purpose for having a blog in the first place, and this title says it all. Because this blog is going to be about my own rising...the awakening a new person inside me. Or maybe it's really just a re-awakening of the person who has been hiding inside me all this time--someone who has long wanted to get out. I have finally decided to break whatever walls have held this person bound, and set her free. Free to see the sunshine hidden in the clouds...free to find the truth behind the fog of ideas floating around out there...free to just BE.

That is my purpose here. And I have no idea what form this "freeing" will take. It will hopefully be insightful, to me at least, and will probably show up in some kind of creative writing--poetry, fiction, general rants and venting. Yes, venting. No doubt there will be much venting. So just remember -- you have been warned.

Until next time, then.