I recently ran across an old file with some letters I had written to a friend after I had moved to Texas to get away from Michigan winters. I was so chatty then. What happened? I seemed to be so active doing things. What happened to that drive to be active? To do things? To ... WRITE?
Whatever happened?
I seemed to have so many hopeful thoughts then... uplifting, bright thoughts about what was happening in my life. What happened?
I know I got married, had kids, and ... then what?
I have stalled in everything I thought I was going to do with my life. Stalled with every direction my thoughts had seemed to be taking me.
Stalled.
Or was it hijacked? Kidnapped? Overwhelmed by the thought directions of my spouse?
I shared those directions of thought, and still do to a great extent. At least I THINK I do. But a part of me still questions everything... still wants to be open to the new / odd / unknown / take on things.
My spouse takes only one direction of thought from events, tries to explain them in terms of his understanding of certain beliefs. He is driven this way. Perhaps it is his drive that I admire...his CERTAINTY about things.
I can see his thoughts, and recognize the possible validity of his conclusions... But still, a part of me is always wanting to be open to a wider reality and explanation.
Am I wrong?
He can be very narrow in some ways, but so wide in understanding in others ...
I tend to want to be wide in all ways of understanding and explaining things ... and I admit I am loathe to express this to him sometimes.
For example, a narrow view of death and the afterlife...
I can see the narrow view, and acknowledge the possibility of it... but part of me thinks there is a wider view... and I do not know who is right. Perhaps it is SAFER to abide by the narrow view, and then be pleasantly surprised if the wider view is the reality.
But the narrow view is so dark, and so limiting, so constricting. I think that God is not limited at all... that the afterlife is not limited at all. How can it be?
Maybe the narrow view is really just black and white... with a HUGE part that is gray. So maybe the narrow view is not really narrow after all?
And what have I just argued myself out of?
I am still stalled in the drive to do things I intended to do back then. And so many years have gone by...
And I wonder how do I get UNstalled?
Or am I just stuck here?
I hope not. I really, really hope not.
